It was my decision. We had been fighting for a really long time. He was not the same person. Maybe I was not the same either. I called him and ended it with a phone call. The worst part was he did not even try to stop it. I think that damaged me the most. The guy who would not sleep without listening to my voice, who would make endless efforts to resolve our issues, the person who never gave up on me even when I was so stubborn, gave up on me. Just like that.
I think there was this dying hope, still left inside of me. Somewhere my heart was not yet shattered into tiny pieces. Something was holding it together. The hope was that he would call me. I was not sure what I would say if I really want to be with him. I thought I would say I love him but I can't be with him. I kept waiting for his call. I knew he would call. He loves me. He loves me more than anyone in this world. He cannot live a single day without me. Not a single day can he live without me.
I was in hostel, it was 2.00PM. The dying hope was now dead. A hollowness had started building up in my chest, right in the middle of it. I wouldn't call it painful. I felt numb. Not happiness, not sadness, no pain. Just cold hard numbness. My roommate, who was present there with me. Her present was inexistent to me until she hugged me and the tears that had begun building in my eyes finally found their escape.
It has been four months now. I have deleted all his pictures, his contacts, blocked him from all social media. I met new people. It is not like I don't laugh anymore. I enjoy my life. More than ever, I have started living my early 20s after I broke up with him. It was all good until I saw that he had moved on. He changed his Instagram a/c name, now it didn't have my name's initial. He deleted that one picture of us that he promised he never will. He swore to me. The numbness that I covered with layers of pretentious happiness. It all came back.
I don't know if I exactly will ever move on. If I will ever want to move on. But, all I know right now is that I will smile. I will smile for those who smile when I do. I will laugh when I have to. I don't know how but, even though I still have that hollow numbness inside of me, I feel complete. As if this hollowness had become a part of me. It might go away, it might not. I don't know. I don;t know if I want to hope for its absence. But, I will live without looking back, or hoping for him to come back. I will go on without him, with a part of him inside of me. It sounds weird. I have lost a piece of me but I also feel like I found myself.